624.

That's how many photographs I have made on various forms of black and white film in the last 21 days in Halifax and Detroit.

Most newspaper photographers will shoot that many during a typical sporting event. However, that's digital and this is film.

Film costs money and time. So much so that when you're are busy and broke-ass as I am, you tend to only shoot one or two frames of any given subject. Sometimes more if I'm really compelled. I'd estimate on average I shot about 2.5 frames of each subject I wanted to capture. That still means approximately 250 different shots.

So I guess you could say I've been productive.

I left Toronto in mid-May feeling stressed out and completely detached from the photographic work I was producing. Freelancing for newspapers had done this to me. It's stressful to start your own business, during a recession, in an over-saturated market, while moving to the largest city you've ever lived in, completely alone and fighting depression.

...but I did it. By the time I left last month, I had more work than I wanted. I felt I had accomplished something I never thought I'd be able to do, but it came at a price. I worried so much about getting the shot they wanted and not making any mistakes that it began to take its toll on me. Taking things way too seriously is my downfall.

There was also the part where I was constantly being asked to deliver a specific type of shot that I didn't enjoy making. I often did this because I was too scared to do it how I wanted. That led me further and further away from being emotionally connected to my photos and subjects. That's artistic suicide if you ask me.

By the time May came around, I hadn't had a solid night's sleep in months and had developed a stress rash on my face. That was a treat. So I said "fuck it" and left. I gave next to no notice to my clients, but didn't really give a damn. Freelancing in Toronto is not the kind of thing I feel I could handle on the long-term.

The goal of leaving was to detach myself from everything in Toronto, see some new things and shoot from my soul. I took one manual film camera with a 35mm lens to Halifax and the Holga to Detroit. I only used black and white film and only took pictures of things that aroused emotions inside me upon seeing them. I made a conscious effort to not worry so much about composition in an effort to shoot more instinctually.

The mantra for it all was, "If you can't feel it, they can't feel it.", which is a quote from Don McCullin [link]

I was really trying to just be me again. I hope it all turns out well. My fridge is full of film and I'm dreading the task of dealing with it all.